Getting Better

[lilithsaintcrow]

Some days it’s an uphill battle. But each day is a little bit better than the one before. I feel like I’m lying spread out on some very thin ice. I am no longer drowning, but the rescue attempt is not underway yet. If I stay too long I’ll freeze, but I can’t move just yet because the ice might crack.

This is a delicate stage of healing, where you start feeling a little better so you think, “I can handle this…maybe I don’t need help.” Wrong. It’s like when I was a massage therapist–I saw this over and over again. A few treatments, the body starts feeling better…and all of a sudden the person in the body thinks they can weekend-warrior it. The delicate healing stretches and tears, and the body takes its revenge.

So I’m feeling everything out. Delicately, not putting any weight on anything. I’m supposed to be using this mantra:

I can’t change the past. The future isn’t here yet. All I can do is make good choices today.

Sometimes it even helps.

I’m at that stage where even the love scenes in Disney movies are painful. I can’t listen to love songs, I can barely even listen to breakup songs that are supposed to make me feel better. On the other hand, I’ve got a lot of instrumental music around, and that’s easy to write to. And the words are still coming. I’m still swinging blindly and the Muse is still serving balls.

It will have to be enough.

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